Top 10 reasons to oppose gay marriage

A few days ago I saw this post in my Google Reader, and I got upset. This person, quite unwisely in my opinion, didn’t put anything into the body of his post to indicate it was tongue-in-cheek, and I couldn’t click through on the link because work’s proxy was blocking that site. Today I went back to view the link, and I found an amusing top 10 list on the other side. However, I felt it could be improved on… So here is my list of the top 10 reasons to oppose gay marriage, which is really just a tweaked version of the original:

  1. Being gay is not natural. This is the same reason we True Americans also oppose marriage for anybody who dyes their hair, changes their boob size, or shaves any portion of their body.
  2. Gay marriage will encourage straight people to be gay, just exactly the way being surrounded by married and unmarried straight people has caused so many gays to become straight…
  3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
  4. Marriage is a sacred institution which shouldn’t be changed. Just ignore the facts that women used to be property, blacks used to be unable to marry whites, and divorce used to be illegal.
  5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
  6. The purpose of marriage is to produce children. In the future we shall require all marriage applicants to sign a legally binding contract that forces them to have children without resorting to adoption or artificial insemination. Gays, infertile people, and the intentionally child-free will all be banned from marriage.
  7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
  8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. We should trash the First Amendment to the Constitution and ram our religion down everybody’s throat by force of law. Because God wants people to be fearful and resentful of Him.
  9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. I forget why we ever legalized divorce in the first place.
  10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to inter-racial marriage, cars, dual-income households, etc.
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Comments

  • Anon  On January 19, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    What the hell.

    “7.Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.”

    this is false. Just because you’re raised by a gay couple you won’t necessarily rub off of your parents. Take that shit off, or at least edit it.

    • wolfger  On January 19, 2010 at 5:13 pm

      I’m not sure what scares me more… the fact that you think this list is serious, or the fact that you only have a problem with one of these 10 bullshit reasons.

    • Butthurt Analupset  On March 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      7 is just the clearest proof this list is bullshit.

  • Savana  On May 6, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    “2. Gay marriage will encourage straight people to be gay, just exactly the way being surrounded by married and unmarried straight people has caused so many gays to become straight…”
    As though this is a choice? Being gay, as well as straight, is not a choice at all. It is a way of life, you don’t choose to be what you are.
    Also, being homosexual is not a disease. It is not spread, so this is just… Ridiculous.

    “7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.”

    This is so false, it should be taken off of here.
    I am gay, and I came from straight parents. To be truthful, my own father despises me because I am gay.

    Your reasons are nonsense, and to be honest, they make me quite angry. Those two were the ones that got to me most, but you all think the same way.
    Being gay is not unnatural. Everyone these days is just too afraid of change, and I think it’s about time they started changing their minds.
    You can’t change a person’s mind. What if everyone was gay, and we all told straight people that it wasn’t allowed for you to be married? That’s not fair, right?
    So what about us, as the gay community, as well as the supporters? We all understand the consequences of being gay, and supporting gays. But it shouldn’t even be that way, in the first place. People make gays afraid to be themselves, as well as anyone else who is DIFFERENT.
    Our world is not right, to try to change people and they way that they are.

    • wolfger  On May 6, 2010 at 9:02 pm

      Scary. Not only did you completely miss the sarcasm, but you also didn’t read my response to the previous comment which makes it extra-clear this is sarcasm.

      Oh, and you might want to re-read the opening paragraph, too. Come on, people….

  • ruben  On May 23, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    bloody hell. people really are that stupid. Hang on I knew that, this is the internet.

    I guess your post title was just linkbait, I mean I clicked on it thinking that you might need setting straight. Luckily I can string words together a bit so I figured out is was a joke. Maybe that could have been clearer in the link…

    Read the first sentence Savana and Anon!

  • Lindsey  On June 14, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    “5.Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.”

    I would like to point out that during the last presidential election Sarah Palin’s knocked up teenage daughter was ‘engaged’ to her teenage boyfriend. I for one was not at all surprised to find out the engagement was off soon after the election was lost. But, I guess the overall message would be it is ok for two scared kids to be forced into getting married because their stupid parents did not teach them about birth control, but it is not ok for a gay couple to get married for love and family.

    The Brittney example is good… but Brittney probably would not stand in front of the country and denounce someone else for wanting to marry for love while forcing her children to marry for appearances, even she is not as stupid as Palin.

    “I’m not sure what scares me more… the fact that you think this list is serious, or the fact that you only have a problem with one of these 10 bullshit reasons”

    I love sarcasm. 🙂

  • Celebrity Gossips Forum  On December 1, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    i think that gay marriage should be allowed in certain states but not in other states “*,

  • Nick  On April 16, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I am speechless… why do people hate gay people! Those that hate gay people are like Nazis. Please, please stop all of this bull shit and go ask a gay person if he likes being mocked and ridiculed. Go ahead, be my guest. When you finish, come back and rely to me what he said. I’m not gay btw.

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